“the strongest mind wins”
When people around you are in an uproar, there has been a flood or school shooting and you are feeling heartsick with grief, when people close to you are anxious, try to not add to the chaos. Steady yourself. Come back into your body, breathe, and let yourself become still.
“The greatest gift you can give the world is a peaceful mind.” ~ my meditation teacher Swami Veda Bharati
He would sometimes say that whoever has the strongest mind field “wins” so to speak. That is why when we meditated with him, our minds would be more still and we…
Something happens and we feel like we’re back to square one.
We know we are different now. We’re not as reactive. We have tools to self-regulate and we remember to use them. We recognize when we’re in survival responses of fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn. We don’t go as deep into the trough and we “come back” sooner.
Our body is more relaxed as we move through our day. Our minds are not as compulsive. We don’t worry as much or we catch it sooner and are able to stop. Our inner critic doesn’t have the grip it used to. We no longer believe that we’re bad or unlovable. We are more…
Was food restricted in your house?
Was a parent ashamed of you because of your weight? Did you grow up hearing a parent expressing contempt for their own body or weight? If you were labelled fat as a child, were you shamed in public as well as at home?
Fat shaming our bodies is conditioned in our culture from early childhood and continues throughout life. It leads to suffering, disconnection from our bodies and worth, and a compulsion to escape, including through food.
Diets fail for 95% of people because they work against the way we evolved to store fat to survive famine. For some, decades…
Did you wince when you read that?
I love my body just as it is. It seems like a good idea to at least try to like our body and to honor its needs. Our relationship with our body is complex.
“We” live in a fragile body largely ruled by the primitive brain and nervous system. Our higher level brain development and wisdom can get drowned out in the cacophony of noise generated by hypervigilance, the negativity bias in the brain, and the flood of hormones and chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol.
“We” live in our body and it makes sense to take good care of it…
Our more grounded adult self can co-regulate directly with our younger nervous system.
To develop a strong resilient nervous system, children need to be around adults who are grounded and well-regulated. Babies need to co-regulate in order to develop neural networks for trust and connection. Attachment parenting emphasizes empathy and responsiveness to the child, as well as bodily closeness and skin-to-skin touch with babies. Children who are consistently cared for develop secure attachment and naturally look to other people for connection and support.
What if your parents were struggling and not well-regulated themselves? Gabor Maté was born in Hungary around the time of the Nazi invasion and his mother had to send him…
What is your felt sense of being free?
If I were completely free to be authentically me, I would …
If you were completely free, what would you bring in and what would you release? Let yourself visualize what that would be like. What is your felt sense of being free?
If social anxiety and perfection fell away, what would that look like in your life? We all want to be approved of and included. What is your window of tolerance for someone not approving of you? How does scanning for validation limit you?
I know in every cell of my body that it’s okay for me to…
It takes courage to protect our tender hearts and remain kind and open.
“You are a light. You are the light. Never let anyone — any person or any force — dampen, dim or diminish your light … Release the need to hate, to harbor division, and the enticement of revenge. Release all bitterness. Hold only love, only peace in your heart.” John Lewis is an inspiring example of open heart and courage. He did hard things his whole life.
It takes courage to protect our tender hearts and remain kind and open. Our primitive brain drives a shutting down and shutting out defensive strategy. You hurt me this time and I’ll make…
I’m not going to marry Paul McCartney.
We don’t get unlimited chances in life. I’m not going to marry Paul McCartney like the Ouija board promised when I was eleven. We don’t get to go back in time to open our hearts and tell that person what they meant to us before they died. We can apologize but those harsh words that flew out of our mouth are in the air and we can’t take them back. It happened.
If now is not the right time to let down our protective barriers, then when? We long for connection yet something holds us back. We inquire and we…
You were and are affected by your parents’ unhealed trauma, neglect, and abuse.
This does not change the fact and impact of your own experiences — you were and are affected by your parents’ unhealed trauma, neglect, and abuse. You have the right to set boundaries, and take physical and emotional space to work through your childhood trauma. You can be thoughtful and respectful about what you need even as you stand your ground.
Disruption in parent/child relationships are incredibly painful. Children and adults alike long for connection and inclusion. We also get triggered and sometimes lash out or freeze. We might take a chance and reach out for a deeper connection only…
What was your relationship to perfection when you were a child?
Perfectionism is a trauma response. Trying to be perfect is a way to stay out of trouble, to be validated as good, and to feel included and safer. The elusive goal of perfection forever stays out of reach.
Our experience in life is far from perfect. We don’t have perfect health. We rarely get a perfect night’s sleep. Our body is not a perfect size. We might feel relief for a short time when our house is perfectly clean, then it gets messed up and the anxiety comes back.
Scan your history. What was your relationship to perfection when you…
