In 2005, I was physically assaulted.
In 2005, I was physically assaulted while riding my bicycle to work. Both police officers on the scene told me to ride my bike to work the next day or I never would. They assured me it was very unlikely I would experience another random assault. By successfully riding my bike down that pathway again, I would realize it is safe and overcome the fear.
My psychologist told me that after a Big T Trauma like assault, the key to healing is to protect the brain from fear and give it time to recover. She said if I was too…
We can interrupt this habitual pattern.
The quote below is from a conversation at the end of a daily practice. Most anxiety and depression comes with intrusive thoughts and the compulsion to “figure it out”. Noticing this as a red flag is so helpful because then we can interrupt the habitual pattern.
Ideally, we welcome and are present with all feelings, sensations and energy in the body. We notice and look at thoughts that arise as we are mindfully witnessing what is coming and going in the body.
We don’t entertain loops of thought, particularly negative ruminations. Neural pathways develop in our brain and strengthen with…
I was deliberately almost run over by a car
We intuitively know that justice for everyone is the pathway to true peace. We still live with de-facto segregation and isolation from each other and experience this loss, pain and grief in both obvious and subtle yet profound ways. It is easier to see the effect of racism on a person of color than it is to see the cost to our humanity for white people.
Most of us belong to multiple groups and have more relative power in one than others. A white queer man can exercise power over women and people of color even as he can be…
I can see that denial of danger played a big part in my defense system.
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris striding confidently along with the caption “the adults have arrived” (meme on Facebook after the election results were announced)
Life is chaotic when the rules of truth and civilized behavior are ignored or ridiculed. It’s like a bunch of immature, greedy, entitled twelve year olds are in charge of the country and nuclear codes. Children, especially in a pack led by a bully, can be heartless and cruel. They are not equipped to make good decisions about adult responsibilities. This also applies in our personal lives.
We know now that one of the effects of trauma is profound disconnection. For me, the most intense public shaming came from age 12 through my teens. I have been inquiring into this…
We are friends. We count on each other.
We are conditioned to believe Hallmark channel ideas about romantic love. We are vulnerable to them because humans are hardwired to seek connection. This contrasts our own direct experience which is that people can let us down and hurt us. We search for that special someone to fill the holes from emotional disconnect or betrayal. When that doesn’t happen, we try to protect ourselves. Some become cynical (fight response) and some go into a freeze response and build higher walls.
As we mature emotionally, many people become more realistic. Dr Stephen Porges speaks about being safe enough to relax and…
We form unhealthy relationships that cause more pain.
As we heal, at some point we see and know in our guts and bones what we lost due to childhood trauma. Our primitive brain and nervous system do their best to protect us through fight/flight/freeze/fawn. What is the cost of these protective measures? We disconnect because we can’t stand the hurt and powerlessness of the moment. We protect ourselves by trying to engage a checked-out parent. We can’t risk being authentic because the rejection would confirm our unworthiness. Our nervous system is set to hypervigilance and we escape through addiction to substances or behaviors that have their own price…
Do they have to display a good quality perfectly to qualify?
Bring to mind someone you love: child, grandchild, parent, close friend, intimate partner; someone in your life now or perhaps no longer with you in person.
Focus on the look on their face when they see you and smile. Bring up good memories of when you were together enjoying each other’s company.
Open your arms and hug them. Absorb the familiar touch and scent. Notice how you feel in your whole body. Take your time with this.
Now remember all the wonderful qualities of this person — what you really love and admire about them. The top 5 points for…
Who protected you?
Who protected you as a small child through your teen years and into young adult life?
Much of the conversation about anger focuses on explosive anger and out of control rage. The ruined relationships caused by lashing out or the devastating contempt on someone’s face or in their words. We can see these fight responses as unskillful attempts at self-protection.
That wasn’t what I did. I went into flight/freeze and pretended it wasn’t happening. This works well in families who are invested in promoting the idea that everything is fine if they don’t talk about it. …
Someone is hurting us. We want it to stop.
“Rage is the biological force that protects that which is loved.” Valarie Kaur
We know anger as the fight response in our nervous system, the fiery energy of lashing out and fighting back. We recognize a transgression against ourselves. Someone is hurting us. We want it to stop. Our primitive brain generates a response of fight/ flight/ freeze. This is an unconscious response to threat and danger.
Anger is a natural response. What happens inside of us when it is not safe to express anger or even to let ourselves feel it?
In a family where there is physical violence…
Not: “What’s wrong with that person?” Rather: “What happened to you?”
Oprah said she hopes her piece on childhood trauma on 60 Minutes will be revolutionary. That’s a big hope and I share it.
The question is not “What’s wrong with that person?” The right question is “What happened to you?”
Childhood trauma affects us throughout our whole lives. It is easy to understand how this would impact someone with Big T trauma — physical or sexual abuse, intimate partner violence in the home or a raging alcoholic parent. …
