Allowing Everyone To Be Exactly As They Are

Life is a complicated business!

Allowing everyone to be exactly as they are. Just the words can create a flurry of activity in the mind. The principle makes sense to us and it is also something we mightily resist! The intensity of our response is rooted in our primitive brain. We actually are not okay with “anything goes”.

This is easier to understand from the viewpoint of a child. A parent whose main priority is their career may provide food and shelter but spend little time with their children. There are many reasons and financial pressures that contribute to this, possibly including our parents’ core deficiency beliefs. The resulting emotional neglect is felt as a survival threat to a child. We internalize the experience of feeling unloved with the belief we are unworthy of being attended to. We feel disconnected from our family and this leads to anxiety and fear.

Our strategies often involve wanting someone else to be different. Most parents love their children. Many parents don’t have the capacity to sustain a nurturing environment for their children. Dr Gabor Maté defines safety as a lack of threat AND a feeling of connection. “Good enough” parenting means two things: we are not hurting our children and we are doing our best to protect them from abuse and harm; AND they know they are not…