Boundaries: Risks and Consequences
Healthy boundaries
- Communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors
- Communicate your needs and create clarity
- Share with a healthy vulnerability with people who have earned your trust
- Comfortable saying no and hearing no without taking it personally
- Are a safeguard to overextending ourselves
Some boundaries are verbalized and some are behavioral.
We need to manage our own anxiety and self-regulation so we can tolerate saying and listening to challenging information.
Based on our past experience with people, we are afraid some will be mad at us if we set a boundary or share how we really feel.
Some people won’t respect our boundary for many reasons — a dysregulated nervous system, entitlement, or they don’t have the bandwidth, maturity, or mental health.
Dysfunctional emotional patterns from families are repeated and not called out because we want love, approval, appreciation and not conflict. We are often unconsciously complicit in keeping the dysfunction going. People who are not emotionally regulated are less likely to respect boundaries. When we are not emotionally well regulated, we are less likely to respect the boundaries other people set, and are less able to set and maintain our own boundaries.
What do I want my boundary to be with this person?
What are the risks and benefits if I set this boundary?
Can I accept the consequences of setting this boundary?
Our anxiety is that others would leave us if we are authentic. Even so, I am willing to set a boundary about _____________________
“In a healthy relationship, both people act like adults. They take responsibility for their emotional reactions, and talk things out rather than acting things out.” Dr Kay Vogt
We are setting a boundary around a behavior. We are not shaming the person.
Am I regulated enough to set a boundary with an open heart and compassion?
If we go into a survival response, we have the option to take a break for 20 minutes and come back to the conversation once we’re settled and not as reactive.
We can take our time and explore risks and consequences without pressuring ourselves.
Examples of Healthy Boundary Words
We don’t see this the same way. Please respect my decision.
You’re pushing me to do something that’s not good for me.
Call before you stop by for a visit.
This is what’s healthy for me. (say no without apologizing or over explaining)
When we have a disagreement, I’d like you to use a lower tone and take a break if you feel you’re getting too heated. I will also say when I’m uncomfortable.
Some of these are from Nedra Glover Tawwab’s excellent book Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships.
As you inquire, start with and keep coming back to regulation. Take a break if needed. Open your eyes. Do a regulating practice. You are not setting a boundary with them in this moment. You are practicing. Each time you feel dysregulated, do something to remind yourself of that and to reset.
Visualizing setting your boundary — location, their face, body language etc
What is likely to happen? Based on your past experience, how are they likely to respond? How are you likely to react to their response? (fight/flight/freeze/fawn)
By setting this boundary, I am risking
- Their anger, coldness, rejection, shaming themselves/guilting me
- They want revenge and may turn people against me
- They might go into a fight response and blame it all on me
- Turn the tables — bring up a laundry list of everything I’ve done wrong
- Harming and disappointing myself if I cave in to pressure
There is not one right answer.
In some circumstances, we know the boundary would cost more than we can afford right now.
We could take care of ourselves by not shaming ourselves. We are not a “coward” or deficient because we can’t take the risk right now.
Somatic mindfulness will help us to be aware earlier when we need to set a boundary. We can work with strengthening our nervous system so we have more resilience to support our courage.
We could set smaller boundaries for practice with them or with other people to build capacity.
Educating ourselves can help us avoid traps like trying to fix other people or putting our energy into getting them to change. Nedra Tawwab’s book Drama Free is a great resource.
We can work with our own responses and build a stronger more resilient nervous system over time.
Given all that we know about the other person and ourselves, we get to decide whether setting a boundary is worth it. We decide how we engage in our adult relationships. This is difficult and might be quite opposite of what we experienced growing up.
Want to explore this together? Join us for our Sunday free community class where we inquire, share, and strengthen each other. Details here.
