Codependence, a Trauma Response

Do you feel safer alone? What happens to a person who fears connection and longs for authentic relationships?

Looking at social anxiety, lack of emotional attachment and isolation through a trauma lens, we can see the effect of having been so hurt in relationship.

Our brain and nervous system develops in response to our experience. Children who have “good enough” parenting know they matter. They turn to their parents for guidance, comfort and connection. They have a sense of their own value and have a good start in life.

Children who are born into conditions of neglect or abuse don’t have the opportunity for optimal brain development and connection. This is not our fault, although we blame themselves and carry the impact of it through our life: not trusting people; a hypervigilant nervous system; and a range of problems from illness to violence to financial insecurity.

Those of us who have not experienced safety in relationships don’t think to turn to other people when we are in trouble. Even when we want to connect, we hesitate. Is it really in our own best interest to trust? Are we going to be judged and shamed? Rejected again?

A felt sense of safety involves both a lack of threat and a feeling of connection. We are hardwired for that in our nervous system because it increases our…