Disarming the Inner Critic

Perfectionism is a trauma response that can arise as an attempt to gain approval from critical or neglectful parents. In fact, you do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved. You have a right to make mistakes, and mistakes do not make you a mistake. Instead of berating yourself, use your mistakes as an opportunity to practice loving yourself.

When I was in my early twenties, my son and I were at a beach. We had an inflatable beach ball that we were playing with in the water until a gust of wind moved it beyond reach. A couple in a canoe began to row toward it and I yelled out “That’s mine”. The woman looked at me strangely and said, “We know, we were just going to bring it in to you.” Embarrassed, I thanked her and went back to playing, but it stuck with me. I assumed they were going to take it. It was a reasonable assumption based on my previous experience as a teen filtered through the negativity bias of the primitive brain. Like much of our thinking, it was also incorrect.

There are two approaches to working with an inner critic, and we could use both at different times. Both require the clarity that comes from mindfulness so that we recognize when we’re under attack. When inner critic attacks have been a common and persistent experience, especially in childhood, it can feel like the water we swim in. We might not recognize the suffering they are causing, or we feel…