Freeing Ourselves

Like Pavlov’s dog, we are all conditioned. All the way through human history, our likelihood of survival has been higher when we are included in the family or immediate community. We will do pretty much anything to not get kicked out. What does childhood conditioning look like in adult life?

As a child you knew to be quiet when you got “the look”. As an adult in a meeting with a stern boss, you sink back into your chair, don’t contribute your ideas, then get mad at yourself for not speaking up.

Being ridiculed as a child for crying or being “too sensitive”, you went numb to avoid being shamed and manipulated. As an adult, you are absorbed in thoughts and have trouble with actually feeling. You zone out a lot. You are dissatisfied with the shallowness of your relationships and have trouble opening up with people. Looking back, you feel grief over missed opportunities for connection.

You had an unpredictable childhood and you lived for those sweet times when your family had fun together. For months you came home from school to parents who were engaged and stable then one day it shifted again. You became an expert at reading people. You find yourself with social anxiety, unable to relax your vigilance enough to enjoy being around people. Experiences turn into beliefs. I can’t count on people. I am on my own.