Shaming Does Not Work

The effect of shaming? I disconnected from myself.

There is a pervasive and incorrect belief that shaming is an effective way to inspire change and improvement. Psychological studies and research in the past ten years have proven conclusively that this is untrue.

The effects of shaming are that we disconnect from ourselves and from a sense of our own value. This feels so devastating that we escape in any way we can, often through addiction and other unhealthy and damaging activities.

I had a moment the other day when I was reminded of how checked out I was when I was a young adult. I had been through years of being shamed as a teenager and feeling shunned and alone. I married at 18 (aka desperate bid for inclusion and society’s approval), my son was born when I was 20, and I divorced at 23. At age 27 I began a relationship with someone who was abusive to my son. It didn’t start out that way. And I didn’t see it. For the first time, I felt seen and loved and protected by my partner and I couldn’t see clearly.

What really lands hard is how devastating that was for my then 7 year old son. Exposing him to her is by far the worst thing I have ever done. Just writing these words, I feel strong energy in my heart center. Grief. Sadness. Knowing I let him down.