To Know Me Is To Love Me

“I don’t think my mom loved me.”

I was speaking with a friend recently about our mothers and I said “I don’t think my mom loved me.”

When I had my last conversation with my mom she was in hospice. I told her “I love you” and she didn’t say it back. I never remember hearing her say those words to me or my siblings. Even though Mom and I knew this was our last conversation, she wasn’t able to tell me she loved me. I was disappointed and I explained it to myself that she was uncomfortable sharing emotion, and she wasn’t able to say the words.

It strikes me now that it might be deeper than that. I don’t think she hated me. She was not mean or abusive. The reason I feel that she didn’t love me is because she didn’t seem to want to get to know me. Our relationship improved about fifteen years before she died. I finally accepted she was more comfortable when I stopped trying to connect in a meaningful way.

How much of our love is situational? We love our children because humans evolved to care for and protect our young to give them the best chance of survival. Families are odd and complex. Our biological and extended families are not necessarily people we would choose as friends.

Some parents actively undermine and hurt us. In other families, like mine, there was a profound lack of…