True Belonging

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world, and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness.

True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” Brené Brown

At the heart of loneliness is the absence of meaningful social interaction — an intimate relationship, friendships, family gatherings, community or work group connections. People who have strong connections with others are happier, healthier, and better able to cope with the stresses of everyday life.

When we’re disconnected, instead of making a bid for connection, we might hide out or pretend we don’t need anyone. We are trying to avoid being hurt.

We are all here to be seen, known, and loved.

Invisibility is one of the most painful human experiences.

Invisibility operates under the radar — we don’t consider and reject. It doesn’t occur to us.

Interpersonal invisibility is when we can’t risk allowing ourselves to be known. We fit in by pretending not to be who we are, or pretending to be who we are not.

Group invisibility, like when women act more like men to be taken seriously in business. We don’t bring forward all of our gifts. Only some of the richness of what we offer is rewarded, and there is little awareness of what could be. That part is invisible to others.

Representational invisibility includes for example being passed over for promotions because we’re not in a group that is considered for promotion. This might be because of age (we don’t see their value), and is common with people of color, women, people with different body or brain abilities, and anyone who does not fit into the mainstream. Outside The Norm.

People who are not of an acceptable body weight may be in the friend zone but not seen as a potential romantic partner.

We might be passively excluded from certain social situations, like not being invited to a fancy dinner because someone decided for us that we don’t fit in or would feel awkward with that particular group.

Bring to mind a personal example for each category. We’ve all experienced the first.

In which examples were you the one being excluded or feeling invisible? Where did you witness that happening to others? Did you participate in the exclusion? Are there times when you risked your social capital by actively trying to include someone?

“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”

Stay in touch with your body sensations and breath as you consider and inquire:

I pretended in order to fit in when …

Bring to mind a specific experience — who was there, how old were you, what were the stakes? Go to kindness not shaming or judgment.

What did you hide to fit in?

What did you pretend to fit in?

How do you feel in your body as you recall that?

Now shift perspective and your body posture. Stand and shake off any lingering shame energy or inner critic.

Experiment with a change you might make now. What do you want your younger self to know first?

To be and express more fully who I am, I will …

Let yourself vividly imagine taking a deep breath and saying that thing.

We’re not pretending that it is okay in every situation to be authentically who we are. That simply isn’t true and often we can’t afford the consequences or don’t chose to at that time.

When we are with people who don’t see or value our unique gifts, we are at risk of turning against ourselves or disconnecting from ourselves and our humanity. The antidote is to stay in the moment so we can be firmly on our own side and connected with ourselves.

Join our group of courageous inquiry buddies in our Sunday free community class. Details and link are here.