What I Wish You Knew

I know you’re not mad at me but…

We enjoy being with people who are calm and relaxed, interested in engaging with us, and are fun to be around. When we’re in fight/ flight/ freeze, we just aren’t that much fun to be with. We long for connection but when we don’t feel safe enough to relax, that doesn’t happen. When we disconnect from ourselves, we also lose connection with others.

“The effect of trauma is that we disconnect from ourselves, our sense of value, and the present moment.” Dr Gabor Maté

Our primitive brain and nervous system have one priority — to keep us alive. Our brain continually scans our environment through our vision and other senses, and we pay more attention to cues of danger than safety. Our past experience sensitizes us. Even siblings raised in the same family have different experiences and outcomes. People get frustrated with us that we are always “overreacting”. Why can’t we just let the past be in the past?

Neuroception is a term researcher Dr Stephen Porges introduced to identify our unconscious perception of safety and danger. The important word here is unconscious. Our nervous system is activated or “triggered” when our primitive brain detects danger. This happens much more quickly than our higher level brain can assess. When we sense a physical or social threat, we are flooded with…