What is conditioning?

A deficiency story or core belief is formed early in life and involves negative judgments about ourselves. Common deficiency stories include “I am unlovable”, “I’m stupid”, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m disgusting”. There is a sense we are inherently damaged.

Evidence for these beliefs accumulates through experiences. The mechanism of turning against ourselves leads to feelings of loathing, unworthiness, and self-hatred. We incorrectly blame ourselves for harm others did to us. Although we all recognize that major trauma will affect us, these beliefs also form during everyday, ordinary experiences, like being made fun of by a teacher at school, or being left out socially.

When practicing the Kiloby Inquiries, we examine the evidence we have for our core beliefs through adult eyes.

Event: I didn’t read well and my Grade 2 teacher used to make fun of me in class.

Incorrect conclusion: I’m stupid. I deserved it. I’ll never get it right. I hate to read!

People who abuse us make us feel it is our fault through gaslighting, pretending it is not abuse, or is no big deal. They ask “Can’t you take a joke?” You believe the reason they did it is because there is something wrong with you.

Reframe: That teacher was wrong to make fun of me. I wasn’t stupid, my brain stopped working when she…